Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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