im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
