i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
