we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Holy sore nipples Batman
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
