R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
