I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
