Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You ruined the universe
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
