I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
