I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I had to cum in my sink.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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