I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
