Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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