FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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