I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
