I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
