Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
