3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
