dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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