This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
