i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
