Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
