I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
