I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
