if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
