I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
