I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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