why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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