i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
