i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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