Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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