so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
