she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
40s are totally the cure
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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