I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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