She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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