I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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