Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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