Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
