How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
