Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
