Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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