a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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