guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
