Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
