I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
