If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
