I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
