i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Randomize
