Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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