while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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