I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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