she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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